A leaf that withers

Ate Che's told me I took a good shot. :) Coming from my fave writer, it was such a fulfilling comment.

A Photojournalist's Words

Inspiration from SunStar's Aldo Nelbert Banaynal.....

Everytime I listen to a speaker telling more about the LORD, I always have this AMAZING thing going on inside me. I would never get tired listening and knowing more of HIM. Hope everyone could also truly feel the same as me.

"WALK YOUR TALK." 

A prayer of the hurt

Lord Heavenly Father,

I'm hurting now. So hurt of this new love found but yet not the one for me. I know that it's wrong for me to keep this kind of feeling for it is so wrong, Lord. I should have focused in You, Lord. But I did not follow it, now I see myself bleeding. Help me escape this misery. Sorry Lord, I already promised not to shed tear to unworthy things, but my vision is blurring now of this unshed tears ready to escape from my eyes.

I'm so hurt of knowing his new found love......................

I always think of myself as incapable of loving at the moment and avoiding it at the same time for I know that it's not yet time. I admit, I'm fragile deep inside. Focusing in my studies and to serve you intimately is my goal this year. Lord, help me guard my heart. Give me the strength and the courage, everyday.

Please heal me, Lord. After it there will be only YOU.

This I pray in Your name Lord Heavenly Father, 

Amen.

Sa ngayon, pinagdadasal ko kay Lord, hope that He will be with me always, that I can always do His will, lagi kong nagagawa ang dapat kong gawin dito sa mundo. Mahirap talaga. Sobrang nahihirapan ako, pero di ako sumusuko, para sa Kanya to.



Merry Christmas EVERYONE! Let's not forget the REAL ESSENCE why we are celebrating CHRISTMAS, it is because of Christ COMING here on earth to save us from DEATH that we'll be paying from our SINS. Christmas is not about the GIFTS, FOODS, and PARTY, but it is for HIM, again :)

A simple reminder from a servant of Christ--------

Writing again :D It's been............... :o It's been almost 5 months! HAHAHA! Ang tagal din ah?

Sorry to keep you waiting gma fans, hinahanap ko pa yung docu ni Chrsyler na nakaprivate, walangjo, me and my memory gap! :))


I can say, naka-move on na ako. Mas lumala pa ako ngayon...........sa kabaliwan! RAWR! Papaka-aaddik sa gawa ni Sonia Francesca, Sofia, Arielle, Melanie Quilla, Roje Fernandez, Vicky Regpala atbp. writers sa KR at IS.










May lovelife na akooooooooooo! With the Lord. I want to be intimate with Him. Mas nagfofocus ako ngayon sa serbisyo ko sa Kanya, at ang saya pala :)





WAIT! Before that, share ko yung pagpunta kong MANILA-BATANGAS last Nov.29-Dec.4, 6 days din yun ha. HAHAHA! SUPAH ENJOY! Bitin nga lang ako, gusto ko ulit pumunta dun. Sana next year, or after graduation ko.

DITO LANG MUNA. *bow*

POV101 #4

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1667211/demi-lovato-skyscraper-cry-for-help.jhtml

Hi-five Demi Lovato! But the fact is that, we have different kind of treatment. :)

POV 101 #3

It's been... 6 days. Since I've last write in my blog.

          Making such decision not to go online for 21 days is not easy. A tough decision for me. I'm so scared of what would be the outcome of that decision of mine, for I know I have so many unfixed things, through the cyberworld. One thing is this conflict between very close friends of mine, again, I lost friends. Yes let's say this, it's crazy because I met them in through social sites, but THEY ARE MY FRIENDS, I even treat them as family......

          Before when I went in to college, I said this to myself, "It's okay Lord if I don't gain friends, anyways I don't know how to cherish them, treasure them for I am used to be a loner, I don't have anything to give, coz even me myself, I can't give love". But then things changed, He had given me friends that until now are still with me. Indeed the Lord is great. So I thanked Him for giving them to me, but there's a tug of fear in my heart and a pinch of worry. For truth be told, I don't know how to give a conversation for starters, I don't know how to react on things happening around, and lastly, I don't know how to give advice whenever they're in need of good comfort. That fact pains me, because I can't give any to them. But I keep on praying to God that may He get this fear out off my system. I was wrong in my prayer......

          Three years had pass and my fear grow bigger and bigger, I just didn't notice it. Thought I have conquered it, because I have other ways of countering pains and struggles within myself. I don't SHOW them. It was stuck in my mind that if I'm gonna CRY and TELL my problems to others, they might not take it seriously. They would listen I know-once they would know that I have many struggles that can be a weakness to me-but eventually will just go away. So I build this facade of mine. The strong, cool, and UNBREAKABLE Mae. And that's how people see me. Neither did they know that I'm rotten inside, even me myself didn't notice that. You know the fear of losing someone you have treasured? Even in s short span of time, well, time doesn't matter. The thought makes me shudder and bring tears to my eyes that I would blink again just to make it go away. So I made myself unnoticeable to everyone, a flower in the wall as much as possible. But then, I'm looking for LOVE from other people(cyberworld). I don't know why, maybe because I can't see them if I want to, unlike my friends here beyond cyberworld. I avoid direct contacts with people and so would be the hurt. Little did I know that it had eaten a lot of portion in my whole being. And I'm picking up the pieces, slowly, that no one still know.

          In my prayer, I should have said that, "Lord, may you give me strength and help me take this whole fear in me out of my system, completely. Be my strength Lord and comforter."

          Now, while I am writing this blog, I have so many things in my mind. Many things, if you(the one who's reading now) can read minds, maybe you'll gain headache if you read mine. Hope, even in the cyberworld, this CHANGING of mine is visible. CHANGE can't just happen in a blink of an eye, but it is a long process that one should pass through and thoroughly.

          I'm conquering it now. For God is here, with me. Supporting me and guiding me. I would trust Him fully this time. I want to change for Him, mold me into a person He wants me to be, not what PEOPLE want me to be. I DON'T WANT TO BE MEDIOCRE. In my ministry in church, in my Christianity, and within myself.

 "I would not mind what people would say about it, it's God that I serve, anyways, not MEN."

And that ends here, good night!

POV 101 day two!

Good morning bloggers!

I can't write anything..... my mind is in somewhere else, I miss her, I miss them, I miss them all! But I need to focus on my studies, on the things that I left. I have to fix myself.

What a dream! I really force myself to wake up, and there my body ached and I'm still dizzy from sleep. Wanna curl up again but, no. I went straight to my laptop and write this blog thing of mine..............

I'm not in the mood to finish this now, maybe I'll just repost the whole thing later this evening :)

CIAO EVERBODY!

POV 101 day one!

Today, my first day in somewhat like what we call "Changing oneself  for the better". I don't know why I'm writing this, it keeps bugging me since this morning that I should write something in my blog. And now, here it is.

Early in the morning I woke up almost 8 am and my class starts at 9:30. I woke up a bit disappointed because, I want this day to be a productive one. I want to make myself effective even a small thing, but productive enough for me and to other people. So kick myself up and readied for school, I have to make my pace fast 'coz sure do I would be late again. Yes, again, seldom that I can be at school early, except if we're having reports. So irresponsible, yes.

After taking my bath, I went straight to my room, my laptop then caught my attention.I felt some ache throbbed in my heart, then a sudden flashback that happened few nights before came rushing to my head again. My eyes got blurry with the unshed tears. I blinked back, it's not time to remenisce on things, coz I'm gonna be late! Whew! So I rushed and went for school.

I thinked of many things....things keep playing on my mind that even the music coming from the headset in my ears can't avoid me from thinking, I want to relax, clear my mind, so I closed my eyes. I keep on whispering words in my mind, "Lord help me, give me strength from fighting this depression. Give me the courage for me to change." If only I can shout, I would shout that time given. But still, I close my eyes and relax my mind.

I'm late for 3 minutes, not bad for me for trying to start. The classes went on, we have discussion in the morning in our Tourism subject. As I listened to my prof, I realized that she's a great person, way back I thought she was not coz she speaks harshly like as if she belittles us. But then as I listen to her, I saw her as a TEACHER, her experiences, her advices, and anything the she went on through her journey as a student and as a worker. I remembered the line that I posted in the facebook, "Don't judge others by the way you've witness him, because you don't know what's in the heart of that PERSON. Even if you know that person much, still you don't know what he/she is going through." True, and that I think, maybe I should start doing it, now.

The hour is just fine passing, then in our last subject, my temper boil-up. There was this reporter assigned this day that was so... I can't say the right term but for me, was so irresponsible. He just read his report and his voice was so low like he's eating up his words, not appropriate for speaking in front of a crowd. I admit, I'm not good in reporting, but not that irresponsible not to do my job. Even put some little effort to it, for the sake of the group, I didn't saw that. Then there's a ting sound in my head reminding me on the saying that I was trying to meditate on and apply within myself. Well, I put it aside and concentrate on listening to the other reporters.

It was, a so-so day, I went home and did my chores and my homework as well-there's a need for me to be online in my homework. I opened IS(Internetserye) and have a little chitchat with my family-friends. I miss one person there, she knows who she is. *sigh* I will wait until the day that she will talk to me. Someday, maybe one of this days. I hope so. Coz I miss her, not just her, also the old MAE they knew and my Dadii also Momii, that I know would never come back for me, for what I did. *sigh again*

Now I'm writing this blog, and my promise that for 21 days not to be online was broken! Haha! But I lessen my hours in front of the laptop. I'm controlling it now. I need to, have to.

Good night bloggers! I will post my fisrt reading of the bible tomorrow evening and my views.

Bayeee!  Forever I love you IS!

happy birthday song ko kay Momii Lelen, I'll never forget you and Dadii Loui

Short script (one of my delusions, pohahahaha! biro lang)

Short script (one of my delusions, pohahahaha! biro lang)
december 2010

Tauhan:
alam niyo na :P

C: Would you like to be my girl?
M: *shocked* Ano kamo?
C: Mag-back read ka kaya, 'yoko nang umulit.
M: Hala! At may gana ka pang magsungit? *taas kilay*
C: Just answer me.
M: Di ka naman nagmamadali miyan?
C: Sasagutin mo ako o kikidnap-in kita?
M: Kidnapin mo nalang ako, tapos tapon mo ako sa bangin. Nakakatakot pag sinagot kita e. *tawa*
C: You're heart will be more in danger pag kinidnap kita., coz I'll make you fall for me. *grins*
M: *nanlaki ang mga mata* Ah, eh, pwedeng bawiin ko yung choice ko?
C: Pwede. *still smiling*
M: Yes.
C: That's my girl! *hugs*

...............with no title..........

This blog, for the first time, is not for my Mister.

I don't know, but so many things had changed, since I turned eighteen. Should I blame my debut age? haha!

Before I am a strong, very quiet but vocal when needed, observant, a happy and jolly person and lastly, a very patient one. Where are those things? I tried to find those things but I gained nothing back. I'm losing myself and it's a very tough battle between losing yourself and getting yourself back.

I would want to cry, but I don't want to, because it makes me feel so....weakling...

Loneliness, I'm used to it, I made myself being used to it..................................

Short Love Story by my friend Ate Miel

http://zapping-monsters-into-outerspace.blogspot.com/search/label/Love

First EMAIL, that I shed tear (OA mats? yaks ako dito)

Chrysler Canilao- Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin (Piano Cover).mp3 --ahm, pasensya na, pero may pinagkopyahan daw siya nito according to Dadii Loui.

Dedicated Songs from him

Chrysler Canilao- SO CLOSE Cover.mp3

Chrysler Canilao- Through the Trees.MP3

Chrysler Canilao- Ako'y Sayo't, Ika'y Akin (for mayii).mp3

Our conversation when I got sick the second time around in the Month of September.

JOURNAL NOTES of CHRYSLER CANILAO

This was revived from the files of my mister, si Dadii Loui aka Kuya Loui na kapatid ni Chrysler ang nagbigay sa akin nito.

March 12, 2011

Anong meron?: Hindi ako masayang umalis ng Pilipinas na alam kong nasaktan ko si Mayii. Bakit mas masakit ito kesa sa pagkamatay ni Cristina noon? Asar naman, sana lang di matuloy kasal ko dito. Ayokong magpakasal.  

 

Anong nangyari?: Nakilala ko na si Cinda. Maganda siya pero…mas maganda si Mayii, mas mahal ko siya, mas gusto ko siyang pakasalan. L

 

March 13, 2011

Anong meron?: Nalaman kong hindi pala ako ikakasal.  Nagawan ng paraan ni kuya na maging citizen ako dito ng hindi nagpapakasal sa native. Dininig ni Lord ang panalangin ko.  I love you Mayii ko!

Anong nangyari?: Excited na nagbukas ng email pero wala pala siyang message, nakalimutan na ata ako. Hihintay ko na lang na mag-online siya. Binasa ko ang mga messages niya.  Ang sipag niyang magmessage, ang tipid kong magreply. Paano ako magpapagoodshot ngayon?

 

March 17, 2011

Anong meron?: Napanaginipan ko si Mayii, ang ganda niya. Ang sweet smile niya di ko maalis sa isip ko. Hehehe! Narinig ko na rin ang boses niya, paulit ulit lang na pinapakinggan ko ang boses niya. Nainis na ata si kuya, binigyan na ako ng earphones. Hehehe! Sana dumating ang araw na maka-jamming ko siya. Lalo ata akong nahuhulog. Bahala na nga.

Anong nangyari?: Muntik na akong tamaan ng lumilipad na silya. Kakaiba na talaga pag si kuya na ang nagalit.  Nangungulit na si Mayii na gumawa ako ng fecebook.  Natatakot ako baka pag nakita niya ako, di niya ako magustuhan. Kaba kaba kaba… pero nakailang next time na ako sa kanya. Baka magalit na sa kin.

March 18, 2011

Ikaw ang dahilan ng bawat musika na naiisip ko ngayon…

 

Anong meron? : Pumunta kami ni kuya sa restaurant sa kabilang kanto. Nice one may piano. Naalala ko iyong pangako ko kay Mayii. Isa lang naman ang hiniling niya sa akin, Out of My League. Pero bad trip na boses ‘to. Iniisip ko pa lang na kakanta ako, ako na mismo ang matatawa. Sakit sa lalamunan naman! Pero dahil mahal ko siya. Kahit piano version na lang (sana matanggap niya). Okay naman ang record kahit iyong cellphone lang ni kuya ang gamit ko. Hehehe!

Anong nangyari?: Nabuo ko naman ang kanta kahit may ilang nota akong palpak. Walang score sheet, ready na para ibigay sa kanya. At heto na naman ako…hmmm, nahihiya na naman ako. Pag binigay ko ito baka kung ano na namang tanungin niya. Ano namang sasabihin ko? I love you Mayii? Paano ko papanindigan ito??????????

Marami pa akong kantang naiisip para sa kanya. Ako’y sayo, Ika’y Akin, Pangarap Ko ang Ibigin Ka  (dream wedding song ko), What about us, Through the Trees, maarbor na nga ang gitara ni kuya. Hehe! Hindi ko na matandaan kung kelan ako huling kumanta para sa babae. Ang alam ko lang bumalik ako sa dating ako ng makilala ko siya. Totoo kayang nagustuhan niya ang pangit kong So Close cover o nagbobolahan lang kami? Bahala na nga.

 

 March 23, 2011

Ang araw na kinakatakutan ko  L

Anong meron?: Gumawa na ako ng fb at napilitang magpost ng pic para mapasaya sana siya kaso parang di naman niya pinaniwalaan na ako yon. Ang sakit ah. Wooo! Nasa counter ako at napapalibutan ng bote ng alak, gusto kong mag-inom, may magyaya lang talaga sa akin after work makikipag-inuman ako. Oo na kasalanan ko na gago ako e. Kung di ko siya niloko noon, di mangyayari ito.

 

Anong nangyari?: Walang nagyayang makipag-inuman. Bad trip! Makadukot na lang ng canned beer sa ref ni kuya. Sinabi niyang masama ang pakiramdam niya. Lately, madalas siyang nahihilo, nag-aalala na ako. Ano ba ‘to? Siya pa rin ang naiisip ko. Walang kwentang beer, di naman ako makalimot. Tigilan ko na nga ang beer.

 

March 24, 2011

Anong meron?: Bati na kami,  ang daldal ko daw. Di naman niya sinabing istorbo ako sa paglalaba niya. Browsing her pics.

Anong nangyari?: Bumili ako ng photo paper. Printing her pics. Ilalagay ko sa labas ng pinto para di na ako dikitan ni Lizie. Hahaha! Bright Idea J

March 25, 2011

Ikaw na lang sana ang huling babaeng mamahalin ko   

Anong meron?: Tagged iyong favorite kong pic niya. Ganda ng Mayii ko talaga.

Anong nangyari?: Tinatawanan na ako ng boss naming French. Pangiti-ngiti lang kasi ako. Mukha siguro akong baliw.  Naalala ko lang, iyong Out of My League, di ko pa rin naibibigay. Paano ba?

March 29,2011

Ikaw ang lahat sa akin

Anong meron?: Tinanggap ko na. Oo mahal na mahal ko na siya.  

Anong nangyari?: Nag-treat si kuya. Bumalik kami sa magandang restaurant na yon. Napagkaisahan ako. Sinabi ko na lang na may girlfriend na ako. Proud na proud kong ikinuwento si Mayii sa kanila. Wag sanang magalit si Mayii at assuming ako. Ayun, napatugtog tuloy ako ng piano ng wala sa oras. Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin, ang most favorite ko. Si Mayii ang lahat sa akin mula ngayong araw na ito.  

 

March 30, 2011

Anong meron?: Kami na. kami na nga kaya? Para sa akin kami na. I love you, Mayii ko. Hindi ko inasahan na tatanggapin niya iyong relationship request ko. Sobrang saya ko ngayon. Sobra-sobra.

 Anong nangyari?: Nag-aalala ako sa sarili ko, may chest pains ako. Matagal na to e. Di ko lang pinapansin.

 

April 3, 2011

Anong meron?: inoperahan ako sa puso. Ang hirap kumilos, parang lalo akong nanghina.  Pero at least eto pa rin ako. Miss ko na si Mayii , sobra.

Anong nangyari?: Nasa kama lang ako, pahirap  kay Kuya. Hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin mapaniwalaan  na tunay ko siyang kapatid. Kung alam lang ni kuya kung gaano ako kasaya na malamang tunay ko siyang kuya.  Marami kaming napag-usapan, hindi ako pwedeng sumuko sa pagsubok sa akin ngayon dahil may gagawin pa kaming importanteng  misyon ni kuya. Hahanapin pa namin ang tunay naming pamilya.

 

April 7, 2011

Anong meron? : Malungkot ako buong araw.

Anong nangyari?: Nahihirapan akong magtype sa isang kamay. Nararamdaman ko ng hindi ako okay pero di ako dapat magpahalata kay Mayii. Nag-usap kami, nauwi sa sakitan ng damdamin. Hindi ako mahihiyang amining umiyak ako. Bakit hindi niya maalala kung kelan ako unang nag-I love you? February 28. Ang sakit- sakit, nahihilo na ako. Hindi na ako okay kaya siguro kailangan ko na siyang bitawan bago ko pa siya masaktan ng sobra-sobra. Nagpalit ako ng status pero ibinalik ko rin sa dati. No, hindi ko kaya.  Mahal ko siya. Alam ni Lord kung may pagkakataon lang sana ako, pupuntahan ko siya sa Cebu. Sa holy week, pangako ni kuya uuwi kami at sasamahan niya ako kay Mayii. Malapit na kaming magkita. Sana…sana, di ko na siya masaktan pa. Mas nasasaktan ako  pag nasasaktan ko siya.

 

April 8, 2011

Runaway

Anong meron? : Inubos ko ang oras para panoorin si Mayii. Sa Ikatlong pagkakaton, sinabayan ko siya. Di ko alam kung bakit ako napapaiyak habang sinasabayan ko siyang kumanta.

 

Anong nangyari?: Nakausap ko siya saglit lang. pero napakasaya ko na non.

 

April 12, 2011

Anong meron?: Sinisikap kong lumaban kahit di ko na kaya

Anong nangyari?:  masama na ang lagay ko.  Gusto ko ng magpaalam kay Mayii pero ayaw kong baliin ang saya niya. Mukhang ang saya-saya niya ngayon habang kausap ko siya. Ang kulit ng usapan namin. Di niya lang alam, tumutulo ang luha ko habang sinisikap kong makipagbiruan sa kanila.  Bakit kailangang magkaganito ako? Hindi ko alam kung gigising pa ako bukas. Hindi ko na kaya.  Hirap na hirap na ako.