Making such decision not to go online for 21 days is not easy. A tough decision for me. I'm so scared of what would be the outcome of that decision of mine, for I know I have so many unfixed things, through the cyberworld. One thing is this conflict between very close friends of mine, again, I lost friends. Yes let's say this, it's crazy because I met them in through social sites, but THEY ARE MY FRIENDS, I even treat them as family......
Before when I went in to college, I said this to myself, "It's okay Lord if I don't gain friends, anyways I don't know how to cherish them, treasure them for I am used to be a loner, I don't have anything to give, coz even me myself, I can't give love". But then things changed, He had given me friends that until now are still with me. Indeed the Lord is great. So I thanked Him for giving them to me, but there's a tug of fear in my heart and a pinch of worry. For truth be told, I don't know how to give a conversation for starters, I don't know how to react on things happening around, and lastly, I don't know how to give advice whenever they're in need of good comfort. That fact pains me, because I can't give any to them. But I keep on praying to God that may He get this fear out off my system. I was wrong in my prayer......
Three years had pass and my fear grow bigger and bigger, I just didn't notice it. Thought I have conquered it, because I have other ways of countering pains and struggles within myself. I don't SHOW them. It was stuck in my mind that if I'm gonna CRY and TELL my problems to others, they might not take it seriously. They would listen I know-once they would know that I have many struggles that can be a weakness to me-but eventually will just go away. So I build this facade of mine. The strong, cool, and UNBREAKABLE Mae. And that's how people see me. Neither did they know that I'm rotten inside, even me myself didn't notice that. You know the fear of losing someone you have treasured? Even in s short span of time, well, time doesn't matter. The thought makes me shudder and bring tears to my eyes that I would blink again just to make it go away. So I made myself unnoticeable to everyone, a flower in the wall as much as possible. But then, I'm looking for LOVE from other people(cyberworld). I don't know why, maybe because I can't see them if I want to, unlike my friends here beyond cyberworld. I avoid direct contacts with people and so would be the hurt. Little did I know that it had eaten a lot of portion in my whole being. And I'm picking up the pieces, slowly, that no one still know.
In my prayer, I should have said that, "Lord, may you give me strength and help me take this whole fear in me out of my system, completely. Be my strength Lord and comforter."
Now, while I am writing this blog, I have so many things in my mind. Many things, if you(the one who's reading now) can read minds, maybe you'll gain headache if you read mine. Hope, even in the cyberworld, this CHANGING of mine is visible. CHANGE can't just happen in a blink of an eye, but it is a long process that one should pass through and thoroughly.
I'm conquering it now. For God is here, with me. Supporting me and guiding me. I would trust Him fully this time. I want to change for Him, mold me into a person He wants me to be, not what PEOPLE want me to be. I DON'T WANT TO BE MEDIOCRE. In my ministry in church, in my Christianity, and within myself.
"I would not mind what people would say about it, it's God that I serve, anyways, not MEN."
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